Category Archives: Philosophy

EFT on Anger and Craving for Love

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Love in the Spring

Wisdom from the book “Come and See for Yourself” by Ayya Khema: Anger and our craving to be loved are two sides of the same coin. In each case we have the same underlying difficulty. If someone hurts us, it may express their lack of love, but it could be because they didn’t feel well or even that they just don’t know how to deal with people. To us, however, their conduct comes across as rejection. If we want to be loved but are not shown any we will become sad and then angry.

If you are new to EFT and tapping please check the section on EFT Basics for the basic tapping technique.

Tap until intensity of emotion is 1 or 2: “I am angry and resentful, because I feel rejected, offended, betrayed, sidelined, outcast, annihilated…… unloved and unappreciated. ”

When intensity of emotion is low, use the following statements to reframe, repeat as needed – to speak to the heart, speak s—-l—-o–w…..:

“I now see that the desire to be loved and appreciated is only a function of the concept of “I”. If I’m are so unsure whether I am lovable or not that I prefer to leave the decision to others, then I am lost, because everyone regularly changes their opinions, as I do. I now choose to know that everyone is lovable, just as everyone has faults, everyone is still worthy of love.

I choose to recognise that I don’t need to find someone else to love me, as the true source of love is found within. There is no need to be angry or even unhappy if someone else doesn’t seem to care about me. Maybe they are not yet fully able to love unconditionally, just as maybe I am not fully able to love unconditionally. May be they were just being unmindful or unskilful, or maybe they are stressed, frustrated, or having some drama of their own, just as I am having a drama of my own.

All I need to do to have love, is to fill my heart with love. I now choose to direct my heart towards love, and when love becomes a quality of my heart, it is no longer important whether other people return my love or not, whether the other person loves or cannot love makes no difference to me. If I choose to give up anger and resentment, I can also give up seeking love from others, then the whole problem is resolved, because anger and resentment cannot arise in a heart full of love.

I recognise that feelings are fickle and the heart is unstable, and all humans have their own fallibility. If we can gain independence from the power of other people’s emotions, and from external circumstances by cultivating the inner power of love, then we can be truly happy. I now choose to cultivate my inner power of love. I now choose, with a calm and quiet mind, with a balanced and equanamous mind, to embrace my anger and resentment, to allow them to heal, and to fill my heart with love.”

Helping Friends through Grief

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Angel of Grief, Sculpture by William Wetmore Story

In a word, don’t.

And I say that because unless you know what you are doing, you might cause more grief and hurt. Most of us get anxious around people who grieve because we are scared of loss ourselves, even if  we are not conscious of it. Most of us don’t know how to behave around loss and grief, even if we have experienced some personal loss of our own.

If you really want to help, just be Present for them. People have their own grieving processes. Everyone is different. If need be, you tap for your own anxiety and helplessness around loss and grief.

Some of the least helpful things to say when some one has lost a loved one:

Don’t worry, you’ll get over it, you’ll be all right.
It’s meant to happen.
Now you are the man of the house.
He has gone to heaven.
I know how you feel.
Don’t cry, it’s all right.
What did you do to make that happen…. why didn’t you….
Change yourself to change others….

If you have to say something, here’s a suggestion from someone who had recently lost a loved one.

“I dont know what to do or say but I’m here for you. I’m here to support you in the way that you need me to. I don’t have the answers and may be I’m scared that I will say/do the wrong thing, so may be I may seem uncomfortable. But I’m here for you.”

If you have some experience with personal tragedy, and have suggestions for people who want to “help”, please feel free to comment – what was most helpful? what was least helpful? how did you want to be supported?